As worship came to an end, I seated myself on the padded pew. I scanned the audience not expecting to find a particular person sitting there. Unknowingly to them, my heart was stirred with frustration. Thoughts pushed back for years came flooding to the forefront of my brain, and with that came anger. The anger is from something they do not realize they have done to me. As quickly as the thoughts and emotions pushed forward, I stopped myself from stewing on the painful memories that the person has no idea they did…..but I know and the hurt is still very tender and real.
I have not seen this person in approximately 16 years, but the pain of words said sit heavy in my heart. Words not meant for me to hear or see written, but ones I did see and that at times echo in my heart. Words of bad advice shared with someone I love. Words that pertain to not only my family member, but about me as well. See, I read an email years ago that was about a painful topic and in the email, I was included in the discussion. The person used words meant to protect me, but I read them as words of permission to avoid difficult discussions to follow. Words written by someone I barely know, but words that hurt, nonetheless.
As I sat in the service, the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit reminded me that forgiveness is the answer to the pain and hurt that was welling up inside of me. Forgiveness. Freely Given. Unknowingly Given to the Offender. Why? Because to carry the pain is far greater than walking in freedom that forgiveness brings. The Bible is riddled with verses about forgiveness and the importance that we walk in forgiveness, because Christ sets that example for us. My heart is still tender, and the thoughts are still swirling hours after service. I don’t believe I was meant to go to the person and say hey you hurt me when this happened, because they may not remember having said what they did. The person knowing isn’t going to bring me satisfaction or a sense of vengeance, it will leave one feeling better while the other one may sit in confusion. The words used were said to be good advice, but sometimes good advice goes wrong if you are not forthcoming with all parties involved. So, while they had a good heart my heart ached for years over the advice given. The pain is mine not theirs. I have practiced the art of forgiveness with so many. Most of the forgiveness is shared in a letter or a conversation because that is how the closure needed to take place. Today forgiveness comes in the way of repentance. Repentance of holding on to something that caused me to be callous towards another person who walks in the image of God. Even as I type these words, the flood of emotions that repentance is what is needed to offer forgiveness, is swelling inside of me. Overflowing and pushing me towards hard things that can bring a release from the pain that I hold inside.
Forgiveness is not about the person that did the offending. Forgiveness is for the person that was offended. Forgiveness is designed to allow you to walk in freedom from the painful things that hold you back. It is an opportunity to show the same love Christ showed us on the cross to the person who has wronged us. Holding onto the pain from others only callouses the heart. Forgiveness is a refinement to soften us to see others as Christ sees them. To love them as He loves them. And to remind ourselves that just like we walk in freedom that they are afforded the same right.
Forgiveness brings freedom. I have experienced over and over as I have forgiven others, and I have repented and asked for forgiveness. While I will not be speaking forgiveness to the person that I felt wronged me, I will be repenting for the bitterness I held and offering freedom to the person that doesn’t know the pain they caused. Freedom is awaiting and I am grabbing it with all I can and holding on so that I can walk in confidence so as I have forgiven others that I am forgiven as well.
I am adding a journal entry I wrote years ago after speaking to someone about the pain they caused and offering them forgiveness they never thought to ask for until I made it known. Please know that it is okay to write to someone; to tell someone hey you wronged me, but I forgive you. There is freedom that happens when true forgiveness is given freely to those who may think they do not deserve it.
I have dreamed of the day when I would hear a genuine atonement for the assault you have pushed upon my psyche and body.
As the years have drone on and we pretend as if nothing ever happened, I began to believe wholeheartedly in the deception, that in some form I drove you to break my trust, my love and my well-being. That in some way I allowed my body to betray the true nature of who I am. That somehow the way I carried and presented myself begged for the emotional and physical aggression that grew in your soul. That I caused your ultimate downfall.
Silence, shame, ignored, self-hatred. Word descriptions for who I became. This is the burden I have carried for far too long but have no knowledge in how to release this entrapment that holds me back from obtaining the path I was destined for.
I reached out in my suffering offering forgiveness to one who could not and/or would not repent of the evil he bestowed upon my identity. In my feeble attempt to reconcile your wrong, little peace did I find. I learned to be content with all that you were willing to offer which was a blind eye to the pain I hid inside.
The day came that you received your punishment for your sins. You crept to the threshold of death and quickly you realized missed opportunities to reconcile your wrongs. As I sat next to you asking God to pour grace through me into your wounded heart you gathered the courage to confess your wrongdoings. With tear-streaked cheeks you utter the words I dreamed of hearing. You took the blame for the pain you imposed on my soul. “Sorry” are the words I have longed to hear.
My heart burst wide open as I heard your words, saw your tears and witnessed the pain you pushed aside for far too long. Emotional chaos ensued within me. I sat trying to make sense of the event that just unfolded. I sat realizing that this became the moment I could honestly stand face to face and say out loud “I forgive you”.
Forgiveness is a journey. Daily, weekly, yearly I check the status of my heart. I seek restitution to the bitterness I allowed to swell up inside and make a choice to offer forgiveness to the ones that crushed my spirit. Forgiveness is a daily process in life’s journey. But forgiveness after repentance brings final closure and healing to a wounded heart.
Although the pain and scars still remain, my hope is that my forgiveness is steadfast, unwavering, a portrait of God’s grace and mercy gifted to you.
Reckless Writings 