What is The Silent Struggle….mental health. At least it has been for me. Many people struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and the list goes on. (1 in 5 adults and half of teenagers live with a mental health diagnosis) As a matter of fact, the DSM V-TR is approximately 1,200 pages of mental health diagnosis and explanation that is used to put a name to a group of symptoms individuals experience. It is our way of making sense of what is happening to us. So, while many of us do not share our struggle with mental health it becomes more complicated to share depending on religion, race, class, and gender.
For me, a pastor’s wife, it is something I had to keep hidden for fear of how others would respond to the struggle I possessed. Yes, I could help congregation members normalize their struggles, but kept mine at bay out of mostly fear and avoidance of the unknown. How would others accept me as broken as I am? My story is long, complex, and deep but full of God’s richness and mercy poured out over me. There was a recent time when I almost walked away from faith altogether. If I am honest, I almost left this life as well. I felt isolated and alone, on my own even from a God I was taught that loved me and wanted a relationship with me. It felt too foreign. That perhaps I bought into a lie or that I was not enough for God to take notice of me and to free me from the torment that ensued in my mind. I knew this was a lie but, in my heart, I believed it was true.
It has taken 6 years for me to get to a place of accepting my mental health condition. It has taken 6 years for me to see a glimmer of hope in the swirling darkness around me. What happened 6 years ago that has brought a ray of hope into my life? Counseling. I highly recommend finding someone of faith to walk you through life’s uncertainties. I am alive today because of a #1 a husband who loves me dearly and has become my rock in the storm and #2 a faith filled committed Christian counselor that has been in this journey with me for the long haul. I wasn’t sure when Holly told me that she was in it for as long as it took, that we would still be meeting 6 years, probably closer to 7 years later.
My journey is not over. I still have a lot left that I must work through and allow God to bring His healing salve to smooth out the rough spots. I am far from where I desire to be, but I am one step closer and so can you. Seek God, seek help, and build your support network to lift you up when you cannot lift yourself.
I am adding a journal entry that prompted this article for the week. Holly encouraged me to look at Psalms 23 and to journal. I wasn’t expecting this, but it paints for me the struggle I endured and the reminder of the promise that God is with me through it all.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of confusion, pain, tragedy, and death you Lord, walk alongside me. Yearning to hold my hand, to guide me, offering me peace in the moment yet through welled up eyes I do not recognize the hand in front of me, and I push it away. I agonize and beg for a glimpse of hope that you may notice me, all the while not acknowledging your presence is enveloping me.
I cry out in anger, and you steadily whisper my name. I cannot hear your voice; the chaos is too loud inside my mind. I am sucked in, pulled away and I give up the fight. I feel isolated, alone as if there is no one to aid me in my sorrows. I refused you, ignored you, and declined to sit quietly in your shadow.
Now the booming voices of the enemy encase my soul, and you cry out in the distance, you send aid through genuine people, blessings, miracles. I recognize your craftsmanship but do not embrace or praise the gift you have given. Instead, I cry out STOP THIS MADNESS and I demand my course in life to shift in a new direction. If you do not respond I attempt to take matters into my own hands not recognizing you have better things in store for me.
I reject to heed the seemingly narrow, dark, ominous path you have placed before me out of fear of the unknown, that your ways are not good, that demise lies around the bend all the while the destination you have chosen brings joy, peace, hope, and forgiveness. For brief moments I recognize your work, I feel your presence, I revel in your awesome power. I am encouraged, I am hopeful but as quickly as the hope comes the enemy invades the corners of my heart, tarnishing your image.
I buy the lies. I believe life will never be more than one of remorse, regret and shame. You continue pushing through the mire, seeking to reach me but I continually run, hide, evade. Too scared of the revelation of the things you will find within me.
Fear of rejection is rooted in my being; I will reject before I allow you to truly enter in. My heart tells me to take a chance, to leap, to trust. That your presence is the very healing I am searching for. But that seems like a mirage in the desert of my soul. Too easy to obtain. I chose to make things a complicated mess, to have fear is an easier burden for me to carry. I do not understand grace, mercy, unconditional love, but you continue to pour it into the dry parts of my soul. I thirst for you but do not know how to drink from the rivers of life you provide. All I know is to reject….
Why do you accept me when I cannot fully embrace who you are?
Why do you pursue me with fervor when I choose to run away?
How will I ever understand your love and mercy when it presents as something foreign, unknown, unreachable?
When will I allow your Spirit to saturate my soul?
When will I allow myself to realize that your love can change the hate I find within myself?
When will I put my guard down and learn to cultivate a relationship with the creator?
Slowly, as you persist in teaching me your ways, I begin to open the crevices of my heart. I cautiously let the sprinkles of life enter, moistening the dryness within me. I am ready, I am waiting, I will allow you to invade my soul. 1000 pains will be worth the promises you profess. Take me, change me, make me complete in You. Saturate my heart with the promises You give so freely.
Reckless Writings 