Our mind is a complex and beautiful organ. It is designed to allow us to learn and grow, but also to protect. It is the seat of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. All three running in rhythm, and yet separate. Without thoughts, we would have no emotions and behaviors. Without behaviors, there would be no thoughts or emotions, you get the picture. They tie into one another, and they feed a cycle within us that can be both positive and dreadful.
When our brains perceive a threat, the end result often becomes uneasy. Nervous emotions take over and control our thoughts and our behaviors. We call this anxiety. Anxiety is one of the fastest growing and prevalent mental health disorders in the United States. Anxiety is our brain’s way of showing perceived danger. The problem lies in that often our brain perceives a threat in situations where there is no danger. I often refer to anxiety as the “future tripper” of mental health disorders. Because anxiety is a perceived threat of something that will happen vs. something that has already happened.
The Bible is filled with people that experienced anxiety. Elijah, while a prophet and one that knew the love and peace of God, was often afraid. He wanted to end his life, rather than to fulfill the call God placed on him. His anxiety was a natural response to the trials he was facing in his time. Martha was anxious while hosting Jesus and the disciples. She was more concerned about the daily tasks, than to enjoy the presence of the King. The Bible is filled with many others like Hannah, Job, and Paul that had moments of anxiety. Even Jesus seems to have experienced a deal of anxiety in the Garden of Gethsemane, as he awaited his ultimate final act of love for His people.
How often do we find ourselves in similar situations to Elijah and Martha? Life becomes stressful, or someone of great power comes into our midst, and we are so consumed by fear that we miss out on an opportunity for growth.
I have always struggled with anxiety. I never realized how bad it was until one day when I was interning at a group home in South Carolina. I was sitting in the office of my supervisor, and she had to look at me and say “Krista, breathe, take deep breaths.” She was gentle and kind as she led me through steps to regulate my emotions as I had come to her to share some concerns and I feared the response. Knowing my supervisor, I had no reason to fear, but I still held tightly to the anxiety of the dreadful “what ifs” that often plagues us. The what ifs are not our friend and should not go together in our vocabulary. It only evokes fear when we go there in our thinking.
What do we do with our anxiety? First, we cast all of our anxiety to God as he is the one to help us through our anxious moments. He is the One that can bring peace. However, there are steps you can take to ease your anxiety. Here are a few that I like to use.
Grounding: In this exercise you use your five senses to help center you into the present moment. You want to be as detailed as possible. Gaze around the room and find:
5 things you can see (ex. I see a sleeping dog lying in her kennel snoring LOL)
4 things you can feel (Ex. I feel the soft fuzzy warmth of the blanket on my lap)
3 things you hear (Ex. I hear the tapping of my keyboard as I type)
2 things you smell (ex. I smell the stale air, a reminder to get air fresheners.)
1 thing you taste (ex. I taste the cheeto I had for a snack a few minutes ago)
Box Breathing: This is to regulate blood pressure, heart rate, and to slow the racing mind
Breathe in through your nostrils for a count of 4 (deep breaths)
Hold for 4 counts
Breathe out slowly through your mouth for 4 counts
Repeat until calm.
Engage your mind in an activity you enjoy (Ex. reading, journaling, listening to music etc.)
Remind yourself of things that are positive (Ex. I am safe, this anxiety will pass, I am not alone,)
Engage in conversation with someone and be presently attuned to the conversation.
The goal is to get out of your head and back into the present moment or a reflection of somewhere calm and soothing such as a trip to the beach in your mind. Reflect on the 5 senses as you close your eyes and focus on walking down the beach, what time of day, what do you see, hear, smell, taste, feel.
Anxiety has plagued me for the majority of my life. I am finally at a place where I am handling it better than I ever have. One thing that has helped me was receiving my own counseling and being authentically myself in session. My therapist has had to calm me down when I come into her office in a panic attack because I am dysregulated before I even enter her doorway. She has guided me step by step into different practices to help me calm and regulate my nervous system and to help me kill the myth my brain designed that I was in danger in those moments.
I even journal about my anxiety, about counseling, and involving my family. Side note: In the original writing I mention fear to tell Andrew about my mental health challenges. It took time, but he is well aware of all of my challenges and is one of the most supportive people I know. Here is my raw reality of seeking help and anxiety running amuck. Thankfully I am on a better side of things than I was when I wrote this. God has been a refuge for me to pour all of my anxieties on Him and allow His peace to reign in my heart.
I titled this A Tornado Within
There is a tornado of fear, doubt, insecurity, anxiety, self-hatred, shame swirling inside of me. I am completely out of control, feeling lost, alone, despite the gracious love and support of family, friends and others that surround me. I have allowed myself to bear my soul, tearing out parts of myself, exposing them, leaving them spread along the ground as a buffet to the vultures that will come, devour and carry parts of me away.
I dared to trust, to allow others to penetrate the fortified walls that surround my heart and my soul. I shared the darkness within me, the secrets, thoughts, fears, in search of deliverance. Only to be bombarded with a plague of thoughts, questions of “What the hell am I doing?” I am afraid, a traitor, I cannot utter my painful words and experiences to the person who pledged his very mortal existence to me, but I can share my soul with a stranger, leaving me questioning the way I comprehend how my husband would respond, see, support and love me if he knew the inner workings of my mind.
How do I get back to the place of complacency I had before I crossed the threshold of a journey to seek deliverance that may not and does not exist?
Why do I dramatically respond to life circumstances and experiences that are minor in comparison to others’ true tragedy and struggles?
Why do I place my burdens on the shoulders of others?
How do I remove the selfishness that lives within me?
How do I entrap the demon of emotions that has been released to destroy the fibers or my being?
I have revealed my soul, exposed my failings and been torn open, setting free the chaos within me. I released the ability to control who I am and how I respond to the inner pain. I unleashed the 5, 10, 16, 20-year-old girl that has so much rage inside of her. She scours and searches for a way to rip apart the very existence of who she is in hopes of finding release and a moment of quiet, still peace. There is no rest, for the things she seeks seem to not exist. She is out of control inside of her with no way to escape.
Agony ensues, the pain intense, more than she can carry alone. She wants to reach out, but stops because there is nowhere to turn. She cries out to God but hears no response. The God she once knew as love, peace and present seems quiet, distant and watching.
Where did I leave the child like faith of my youth?
Why does believing in a God that “loves” me feel like such a foreign, unobtainable quest?
Why do I refuse to sit and listen to his voice?
How can I truly believe there is a way for me to enter His presence and soak in a forgiveness I do not understand?
I desire, crave, and dream to find solace within Him, but today the separation continues to taunt me from afar. Torture seems like a plausible solution, but only satisfies for a moment. The desire to tear my flesh grows stronger minute by minute, but the judgmental glances, unsolicited questions and the fear I will instill in others keep it hidden, and mostly at bay. I search for other ways to bring painful release, but even then, it passes like a fleeting moment. There is no peace to be found within myself. Non-existence would release the debt that I hold on others. Although I no longer fear death, it brings no peace because to leave this life of struggle will only usher in an eternity of torture.
Until that day comes when I breathe my last breath, I will grip with fingertips to the hope I have a left that He will one day rescue me from a life I made into misery.
Reckless Writings 