September 1st marks the start of a month of bringing awareness to two important topics. Self-Care Awareness and Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. (also, CMT Awareness month but we won’t touch that topic here, but Google it if you don’t know what it is, because my girls have it)
Self-Care and Suicide, two very opposing topics. However, if you participate in the first one, you can prevent the second from happening. They are two very important topics that we cannot ignore. Understanding the warning signs is incredibly important. It’s the difference between life and death.
We will get to the signs later in the journal, but first a confession. I have always suffered from suicidal ideations (SI) since I was a little girl. I remember laying on the floor, pretending to be dead, wondering if my family found me dead how they would react. Would they mourn or feel relief? SI is something I have kept quiet and hidden deep into the crevices of my soul for the majority of my life, but then there was a day that it became so deeply hooked and raging within that I had to let it out, or succumb to the voices echoing the way to freedom, from the pain I was holding inside.
I remember sitting, trembling on the couch in front of my counselor, Holly, trying to find words that would bring to light what I kept trapped in darkness. Consumed by fear of how I would be seen, or worse the risk of being considered crazy and locked away. I made hints that were an attempt to be subtle, but were far from that. I uttered the words that dark thoughts were taking over, and I didn’t know what to do. Without missing a moment, Holly began to speak truth over me and calling out loud what I could not even bring to my lips as a whisper. She called out the lies and reminded me that is not an answer to what was going on inside of me. Head spinning at the realization that I was franker then I had desired to be, Holly began making a plan to help me stay safe and to continue to speak life over me. Taking into consideration my desire to not make public what I had hidden, we were able to devise a plan that kept me safe while giving Holly the peace of mind that I would call her immediately if anything escalated. I left her office, drove down the street, pulled over, and let out the ugliest, messiest cry I could pour out of my body. Begging God to see me, to hear me, and to heal me from such darkness.
I would love to say that freedom came in the car that day, but it didn’t. It has been almost 6 years, and the struggle grew until I found myself sitting on a bench, in the wilderness with a few bottles of pills, ready to end my life, on a warm October 2023 afternoon. BUT GOD! There is always a BUT GOD in my story and for that I am thankful. He gave my sister wisdom after I sent an I love you text to call my rock, Andrew. He immediately called and I answered as to not alarm him. It was the best phone call because it jolted me out of the darkness I was stuck in at that moment. I burst out in tears when he asked where I was. He gently asked me to come home. Scared to return home because of the uncertainty of how Andrew would respond, I was met with the greatest compassion that God poured into Andrew that night. Words could not express how thankful I am for the support Andrew gives me on a daily basis. Wishing that would be the last time I struggled, I continue to struggle on and off. To the point that I finally said enough is enough and I allowed Holly to truly get me in the treatment I desperately needed.
While I am currently finishing up the treatment through an IOP program, I say this to not shock the reader or to bring about words of encouragement or of concern, but to say “I get it”. I understand the struggle that life brings. I understand how darkness threatens to snuff out any light within us and that SI are real. You can’t just encourage someone to change their mindset; you have to understand that SI is something that becomes a part of that person. It hooks you in and consumes your mind. But here is the good part, it doesn’t have to. Because of SELF CARE skills that I have to implement throughout every day, I am finding myself coming more into the light and leaving the darkness behind. Don’t be fooled, the darkness may not be consuming me but it lurks towards me from behind, and I have to be keenly aware of what I am thinking. I have to fight through with the use of prayer, listening to scripture, and reaching out to my support team when I am ruminating in an effort to move out of the darkness and back into the light. I know that it will not always be this way, but I have been in a fight for my life since I was a little girl. But I know true freedom is coming, and I am excited for the day that I can say it has been 365 days since my last thought. For now, it has only been a few hours but before that it had been 2 weeks, the longest I have experienced in years. God is the ultimate healer and I know that there is a day that He will clear my mind. For now, I must be obedient and do my part towards healing.
I won’t be journaling about self-care in this journal entry, but I will be in the next. It is important to not only share my experiences, but also give practical tools to help those that want a healthier mindset to achieve healing. I am going to post within this journal an entry I wrote when I first began therapy, and I was engaging in some secretive self-harming behaviors. This again is not to bring to light my issues, but to share with the reader that you are not alone, and there is always HOPE for freedom from the things that bind us. I am 4 years from my last self-harm episode and before that I had gone 20 years. Healing isn’t always linear, sometimes it is a messy line.
Drowning in a sea of sadness I search for ways to ease my suffering. I turn towards those I am surrounded by only to be temporarily appeased. Obligatory listening, but not hearing the pain inside my voice. I realize I cannot share the truth of who I am, and the hurt I hold inside. There is a disconnect between myself and the one I am trying to hold space to trust. I am alone, unnoticed, in deep agony.
Desperate, I turn to the One that knows my name, but even then, I hear silence. I have earned the stillness, the quiet response. My defense is to trust in myself and others before I recognize my need for the Healer that patiently waits for me to cry out to Him. The silence is deafening.
An intense aching grips every part of me. A built-up tension grows so fierce that my body begins to shake. I need a release before I explode. I am never going to break free from this emotional cyclone that entraps me. The snare is my fault. Choices I have made have placed me in the midst of the storm raging inside of me. I have set my destiny and cannot undo the trajectory of my life.
I withdraw and hide away. To fight and suppress the conflict inside is futile. I can no longer portray that I am enough. Overwhelmed with grief that I will never know true contentment; I reach for the things that bring temporary relief from an eternal affliction. To set free the beast raging inside of me.
I have an arsenal of options. Each unique, bringing the temporary satisfaction I long for. Physical suffering is a language I understand. I find tactics that prolong the suffering. Restitution for the abomination I have become. Even for a moment the infliction of pain liberates my suffering. I feel intense gratification.
Moments pass. Mortified that I again crumbled to the old ways. Giving in. I weep.
Bound by my own oppression. I once again cry out. Praying. Seeking forgiveness. Begging for mercy. Hoping for freedom.
A calming peace pours over me. I savor the presence of a Savior coming to rescue me. I am trying to cling to Him and let go of the hurt that is still brewing inside of me
If you know anyone that has thoughts of suicide, please seek professional help immediately or get a close friend or relative involved to help that person find the help they need to recover. Getting help is neither selfish nor shameful. It has greatly benefited me and I would get help all over again to learn and to change. I am grateful for the way treatment has impacted me.
SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS: (straight from the National Institute for Mental Health)
Talking about:
- Wanting to die
- Great guilt or shame
- Being a burden to others
Feeling:
- Empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
- Extremely sad, more anxious, agitated, or full of rage
- Unbearable emotional or physical pain
Changing behavior, such as:
- Making a plan or researching ways to die
- Withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away important items, or making a will
- Taking dangerous risks such as driving extremely fast
- Displaying extreme mood swings
- Eating or sleeping more or less
- Using drugs or alcohol more often
If these warning signs apply to you or someone you know, get help as soon as possible, particularly if the behavior is new or has increased recently.
Call or Text The Suicide Prevention Line: 988
Please know you are loved by a God that sees you. When you have nowhere else to turn, He is there. If you need a friend, I am here, feel free to reach out. I have enough time for you.
Reckless Writings 